Huh. I am so tired. I just watched the season 4 finale of glee. Glee is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I wish we had glee in MY world. ‘Cause I am so fed up of never feeling like fitting in. I wish I had at least a “bestie” because my only bestfriend is a dude who is AWESOME but I can’t always chill with him and my cousin who lives 300kms away. I just wanna fit somewhere. I just wanna feel like I have my place somewhere. Eventhough at home, with my family I feel kind of rejected.
I am and will always be that optimistic and enthusiastic girl, always smiling and spreading hope. And I will never give up on my dreams. Meanwhile I just wanna find my home. Or just go somewhere I don’t know anywhere.
I hate this feeling. I hate being sad. Sad is stupid. Am I stupid ? I’m tired.
I love Glee so much, it’s like the only way for me to feel good and not alone.
Lately I feel so sad and so lonely. It’s like everytime I get my optimism back I feel hopeless again. I don’t know what is going on with me, I wanna be this girl on fire the girl who’s so brave so optimistic so happy and who’s full of hope. Sometimes I’m like maybe I need someone, I mean that “ONE” who would make me feel loved and beautiful and visible. Or maybe I just need myself to be strong and stand against whoever tries to hold me down.
The thing is that I always try to please EVERYONE and make everyone happy that I forget what I really need and want. I was underestimated and I’ve shown everyone (especially my parents) that YES I CAN. I gave all I had, I did absolutely the best I could but it feels like it’s never enough. It’s like I am wasting my life ! Dammit I am always talking about living each like it was the last but what the hell am I doing with MY days ? I’m just being so lazy not doing anything, watching people on tv making their dreams come true while I am sitting here all sad and all alone. I just wanna cry ! WHY ? Who knows ? Only Allah does. And yes I ain’t alone beacause Allah is always here with me. But life is so hard. And I am so done being lazy and sad and depressive. I’m barely 18 ! I wanna live my life. You don’t like something about me ? Who cares ! This is MY life, those are MY choises and none of you have to right to judge me for what I do. And haters gonna hate. I’m so done pleasing everyone. This is my turn to shine. I’ve got the eye of the tiger and I am such a fighter, I am a champion, and this is only the start. You are fucking gonna hear me ROAR ! I am gonna stop talking and start acting. Done being shy and so nice. And if you can’t handle my moody attitude then fuck you I don’t need you.
So watch out bitches. ROAAAAAR !!!!
Tonight is a big night of my life. I took a wonderful decision. I feel soooo happy and excited. I won’t fail. Not again. Not this time.